febrero 25, 2014

Catarsis de martes a la noche.

[I can feel the pressure, it's getting closer now]

Did you ever notice how many of my posts start with "I don't know what to do now"? I do. There's a lot of that. I hate not knowing, I hate losing control. I really don't know how to handle all of this right now. I'm so full of shit I just wanna scream my lungs out and break my vocal chords.
I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, like I try to have all under control but I can't. Everything falls from my hands like sand and I can't deal with that. 
And no, I can't relax, I don't have the time. You may say "everything is gonna be okay" yes, thank you, I hope so too, but it's not about the future that I'm so stressed, it's about the present, the fear I have right NOW, the nightmares, the nights when I can't sleep at all thinking, thinking, and thinking. You also may say that I'm a drama queen, YES I KNOW THAT TOO, but this is beyond that. This is me trying not to cry my eyes out every day over my stupid books and notes and stuff. Trying to smile at home even when I don't feel like it, trying to think of anything else, to clear my mind.. 
I try, I can't. And I'm pushing people away 'cause I feel like they can't help me, and I don't want to get extremely nervous or angry or shit like that and end up alone. So I just sit in my bed with my coffee and my books and try to focus, and try to get everything right, and try to fix all of this shit I'm doing wrong, and try not to stress so much, and try to smile for real, and try to think about good stuff, and it's HARD, SO HARD, but I wanna make it.
Please, I don't wanna be alone right now. I can't do this by myself. I need to fight my stupid demons. Please. My head is about to explode.

I can do this, can't I? Yes I can. I'm gonna be fine..

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